Family Estrangement Tips
When a decision has been made to disconnect from a close family member, even when you know it has been the right thing to do, it can leave you with feelings of self-doubt, shame, guilt and loneliness. The sense of disconnect is especially profound if you’ve no longer any family at all to turn to.
To work through this, it is important to:
Validate your decision – when self-doubt kicks in, it can feel shameful to talk about your decision with others when we’re conditioned to believe that ‘blood is thicker than water,’ and so on. You might be surprised by how understanding others can be, and how many are struggling with their own family relationships. You’re not the only one.
Remember: There’s a reason you disconnected, and nobody has a right to judge the decisions you make in looking after yourself.
Tip: Write down your justifications for your decision and come back to your list when you feel you need a reminder.
Consider yourself positively – The decision you made was a courageous one. You’ve disconnected because they haven’t been able to offer you what you need – a healthy, respectful relationship, and you deserve better. The fact you feel guilty about the situation says a lot about the decent person you are.
Remember: You aren’t responsible for their feelings. Relationships are a two-way street, if they haven’t been willing to work at a healthier relationship, they need to accept responsibility for that, and the loss of you.
Tip: Sit with your feelings for a little while. It can be helpful to write a letter to the family member(s) expressing your thoughts and feelings to help you work through them. Do what you want to do with the letter afterwards – you could send it off, burn it, rip it up, whatever feels right.
Build connections – Loss of family can leave you with a profound sense of aloneness. When you only have yourself to rely on, living your life can feel overwhelming as you navigate the challenges of day-to-day life. It’s therefore important that you spend time building close relationships with friends that offer you a sense of reliability and support – people you can turn to in a crisis.
Remember: Good friendships can offer you all the things that may have been missing in your relationship with your family member(s) however, it’s important to recognise that you may still be craving the love, care and attention from your family member and this can be difficult to let go of.
Tip: Practice gratitude journalling. As human beings we tend to focus on the things that make us feel bad when we have so much in our lives that make us feel good. Shift your focus.
And if you need someone to talk it all through with, please reach out, you will find understanding, support, and expert guidance here at Clarendon Counselling.
This article can also be found published in Metro if you’d like to take a look.
